degrassifandomcom-20200223-history
User blog:Julz serrot/Alphabet rant
Not to blow my own horn but overall I would consider myself a really good friend. People have lied to me, betrayed me, made me cry, said mean things about me, falsely accused me of things I would never do and more. And yet I still find it in my heart to forgive them and stay friends with them. I have an open-door policy, you could say. I guess I just don’t believe in stopping speaking to someone if they’re willing to reach out, admit they made a mistake and are attempting to make amends. Quitting has never been part of my main vocabulary. I’m not bragging I just literally do not believe in giving up on anything or anyone unless I’ve tried and tried and just gotten absolutely nowhere. I believe that most things can be achieved if you keep trying and nothing worth having comes without some kind of trial (namely friendships). At the same time, I am also starting to believe that not all friendships are worth what you originally think they are and some should never have been fought for. From now on I’m going to try to be less available to people who just don’t give a rats behind. I’m serious. I’m going to focus my energy on people who matter. People who care about me and whom I care about a lot as well. Why keep the negative people who bring your mood down around? There is no reason for it; therefore I’m going to try to stick to this. I can’t guarantee it will actually stick though so I hope nobody holds their breath for me. Here is how I feel and the basic point of this whole rant. Tell me if I’m wrong here but when someone is selfish they are hard to deal with, right? I have encountered a number of insanely selfish people over the years. Some of whom I am still good friends with, some of whom I have very limited contact with and some of whom all contact has been severed. Selfish sounds like it should be pretty cut and dry: if the selfishness gets in the way of the friendship and the person isn’t willing to change it, the friendship is probably over. For me, it isn’t that simple. In general, I try not to be blindly selfish. Since I was young, I was always known as that girl who was willing to go above and beyond for anyone willing to be her friends, even going so far as to put their best interests before her own. After years of losing and gaining friends and learning things about myself and how I now view friendship, I’m not quite in the throw-myself-under-the-bus mindset the way I was a few years ago. I’m not selfish, but I’m more careful who I lend my ear and time to. Everyone has had trouble with friends in their life. If they say they haven’t they are in major denial. Friends aren’t easy to come by and when they are: it’s either pure luck, random happenstance or those people aren’t actually your friends. I’ve always been a social person so it’s always seemed like making friends wasn’t a problem. When you have poor judgement like I sometimes seem to have and an earnest heart, you realize even the most easygoing girl in the world isn’t without issues. Somehow I’ve managed to keep a friend around who (for whatever reason) fits my friend criteria one day and then the next day is a completely different person. I am having a hard time dealing with this. This friend allegedly wakes up some days and just does not want to talk to anyone. Being the eager ear to listen to anyone’s problems, I was initially impatient with this and considered it fairly immature. Now I realize I was totally right and the first time this friend dropped this on me I should have dropped her. Being caring and whatnot, I thought I would just let it slide and things would eventually get better. Low and behold they did not. I have been dropped on a whim by the friend twice (most recently this past Sunday). I don’t mind admitting that I cried over her. In fact, I fell asleep crying because I was so upset that she would just decide I wasn’t worth having in her life. Her words were so harsh, they felt like knives. I didn’t know what to say about it. All I could do was cry and cry. Having done some reflecting since being dropped, I’ve realized how much of a strong person I actually am. I am a facebook and bbmaholic and my first reaction was to post sad statuses on both. I thought better of it and posted this instead: “Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” Could there be a more perfect quote? It reflects exactly how I have always treated friendships: with respect, understanding, patience and kindness. And the more I think about my recent dumping the more I realize that I didn’t do anything wrong. I know I wasn’t the victim of some unspeakable horror but you know what? Losing a friend does hurt and I guess that’s why for all these years I’ve been trying to hard to hold on to so many people who just do not matter in the grand scheme of my life. Don’t read this and think I am changing my views on friendship 180° because I’m not. Chances are: when this friend starts talking to me again, I will let her back into my life. That’s just how I am and I guess no matter how much I get hurt, it’s not going to change. When this happens though, I am going to be a lot more cautious. Whatever is going on with her is more important than me and our friendship. That’s her prerogative and there isn’t much I can do to change her mind. While I’m looking at the positive possibility, I will also visit the negative possibility: she chooses not to come back into my life. My mindset right now: her loss. We may not have been dating, but I am nobody’s “option.” If we’re friends, great. If you want to be acquaintances, I can do that too. But don’t jerk me around and act like my feelings and my life don’t matter because you’re “going through some stuff” and you “need some space.” Give me a break. Opinions differ on things like friendship and conflicts and how to resolve both when they become unravelled. Some things should be universal (at least I thought they were): if someone treats you poorly, you try to resolve it or you have less contact with them so they can’t upset you. If something is wrong with a friend you should try as best you can to help them. Not leave them to fend for themselves or say you don’t have time and you don’t care about their problems. Pertaining to this particular circumstance: the way my friend deals with life’s dilemmas is that she shuts down and cuts people out of her life. She “warned me” you could say but I don’t really think that’s fair (mostly because that’s not how I deal with things). Patience isn’t a virtue I was blessed with but I am slowly building it up. I do feel, however, that it is unfair to expect someone so full of emotion and compassion to just step out of the way when something is going wrong. She doesn’t seem to care. Maybe that’s mostly my bad. Maybe it’s mostly her bad. Either way our ways of dealing with things do not mesh, therefore we clash. If I knew it was going to end up being like this I probably wouldn’t have put as much time and effort as I did getting to know her. What on earth is the point of trying to help someone who seems like they want it and then changes their mind? There is no point and to that extent I guess I am actually done with all of the nonsense. Going against my beliefs for something I treasure so much is something I am just not willing to do for anyone. No friendship should be tested the way this one has. If this forced break proves anything, it will probably just further prove that my friend isn’t ready for serious friendships. Her way may be the only way she knows but that doesn’t mean it’s the “right way.” Running away never solved anything. The more I think about it, the more I realize how poor a friend she was to me. Respect is huge in my books. If you don’t have respect for yourself and the other person you’re dealing with then you may as well stop speaking to each other. Anyone who has respect for me wouldn’t treat me the way I’m being treated. This of course makes me wonder why I put up with such crap and then I remember my open-door policy and all is right with my world again. Also: pushing away someone who has done nothing but care about you since you met? Not the way to earn Brownie points. Looking back at all the friends I’ve made over the years and all of the people who are still in my life today: I realize that I could have saved myself quite a bit of pain and anguish if I had just stopped, reflected and kicked out the ones who were doing me more harm than good. Lesson learned: be more careful who I choose to share my time with in the future. Time isn’t indispensible and wasting it on people who don’t care and don’t matter isn’t the smart thing to do. You should only lose sleep over people who the feeling of caring is mutual between. I can’t count how many people I have cried over, lost sleep over, stopped eating over, etc. In reality: it’s pathetic, but it’s something I’ve had to go through a few times to understand myself better and it’s helped to make me a much better person. For myself, I’m going to resolve to not be duped into worrying over things and people that are just going to fall out of my life whenever they feel like it. No more. All the good times don’t make up for all the bad times of course but they sure make life look brighter. Having had all these crazy revelations over the past 72 hours has really been the eye-opening experience I think I’ve needed for some time. I am worth a lot more than I give myself credit for. People like me for me not who they think I should be. When push comes to shove: for a friend I am willing to go beyond and above. Nothing can replace those good qualities and they really are worth their weight in gold. Just because I don’t agree with all of my friends practices and ways of being doesn’t mean the friendship is over. Good friends try to work out their differences with communication. Lack of communication or poor communication skills just goes to show which friends are worth trying to hang onto. If you’re not willing to try, then why should I? As for the things I don’t totally agree with: I’m willing to work on them if my friends are willing to be open to my ideas. Kill ‘em with kindness. I don’t care what anyone says: kindness is one of the best qualities you can ask for in a friend. Kindness goes alongside loyalty, compassion, humour, and understanding. There are so many good things in so many of my other friends. Even though it’s always easier to look at the negative, for my sake I’m going to try much harder to just look at all of the positives in myself and the people around me who really matter. The negatives can go suck on an egg because all they do is drain me. Very few people know the real me because I have all these layers and have gone through a lot of personal changes. And with all the people dropping in and out of my life like flies, why should I let my true colors show? I’m worth more than that and now that I am willing to acknowledge it, I’m going to try to let my true colors show a lot more often. There’s nothing more upsetting than someone who is wonderful and won’t show the world just how wonderful they are. It’s time I followed suit. Xenogenesis is defined as generation of offspring entirely unlike the parent. That’s me to a T. You could also call me an enigma. I’m not normal. I’m off the wall one day and a total introvert the next. I’m unpredictable and I like it that way. They only thing that I try to keep consistent is my ability to be a friend. If I hope and expect people to be there for me, I have no right to choose not to be there for them. If I’m not writing, at work or doing something extreme: I am generally always there for a friend. Zazzy is on of the last words I would ever use to describe myself. Outgoing, creative, open-minded, friendly, kind and understanding are usually how I would explain myself to someone new. With all of these new mind doors opening, however, I am willing to change in the direction of being slightly more daring and maybe almost flashy. Newly re-established confidence is much needed right now and I think this whole rant was just what I needed to kick start the process. Understandably, writing about this whole experience is making me feel a hell of a lot better. Having reread everything I just typed out, I’m sure you’ve all concluded three things: I’m confusing, I’m cocky and I’m probably not actually going to change. You may be right, I may be crazy. But writing is part of my processing process and it also helps me seriously put things into perspective. I might delete this in a week, I might be friends with her again or I might not. Either way: it’s my life. Thanks for reading. Category:Blog posts